I went to the "Learning to Listen" class today, and stayed for the whole thing...that in itself was victory. I was pretty much a mess the whole time. Sarah from our life group noticed, sought me out and prayed for me at one of the breaks--which was really good.
By the time I got home, I was able to sort out what exactly it *was* about the "pants in the dryer" vision that was upsetting. The answer I came up with was this: without the vision, the miscarriage can be just another part of living in a fallen world. With it, it becomes something God intentionally did.
I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. It's not like we didn't seek after God before getting pregnant, or that we concieved out of wedlock. We have ample resources (especially when you compare on a global scale) to support a larger family. Why our family "fits" better when smaller isn't obvious by any measure.
It is the case that I have learned and grown leaps and bounds though the miscarriage experience. I think what I'm struggling with is understanding if this means we're to be "done" with our family. If that's the case, we should be taking permanent measures against conceiving...but I just can't. Not yet. There are too many words going both directions--that's what makes this hard.
God, I don't understand. Please give me wisdom and understanding.
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