In training--ask and you shall receive

I'm training for the Indianapolis Mini-Marathon in May--I ran it last year, and it was a great experience, God taught me lots through it.

Last year I "trained" in six weeks total--needless to say, I couldn't walk up stairs for a couple of weeks afterwards. This year I'm planning ahead, and started a 17 week training program after Christmas. I'm not following it to the T, but I am trying to stay somewhat on track (hah! that pun wasn't intentional!) with the distance runs.

It's been cold enough that I've been doing most of my running on a treadmill. While it's good training for speed and pace, it isn't the good prayer time I need. The combination of people around me, Obama and Clinton on CNN, and watching the clock makes for not quality prayer running.

So today I headed outside. The goal: six miles and some good God time. I used gmaps pedometer to come up with a route--it was actually 5.75 miles, but good enough for me today. I need to figure out the "what to wear in 30 degree weather" thing, but did ok--I just need a wind jacket with some ventilation and I'll be good. The coat I had on was too toasty, while my face was cold. Maybe I'll try a hoodie next time.

It takes about 3 miles to get the grumbles out, then the good God time begins. I'm sure I'll have more to say about the spiritual training analogy another day. In about the final mile, God was talking to me about "ask and it shall be given unto you" (Luke 11:9) and "You do not have, because you do not ask God" (James 4:2b). God was pointing out to me the reason I haven't been given some things is because, frankly, I'm afraid to ask for them! I'm afraid of another miscarriage, or having a baby with birth defects (we're old, ya know). I'm afraid of what another child would do to our relationships with our older children and our marriage. Where would we put another child? Would there be enough money? Would we be able to do a good job parenting? Isn't this just me being jealous and self-centered? I don't really buy the "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" saying--I think He DOES give us more than we can handle on our own, so that we're FORCED to turn to Him for help. So I prayed that we'd turn to Him *without* needing a crisis.

God showed me this is really a trust issue--do I really trust Him to provide for my and my family's needs? Do I trust Him to not give us a child if it's outside of His will? The hard thing is reading the signs--do the miscarriages mean "not now" or "not never"? What kind of no is this?

This week I've also had two friends speak the same message to me--one said there's nothing wrong with wanting another child, you're not asking for something outside of God's will. And when I was telling another friend about Harmony's desire for a baby, her comment was that there are much worse reasons to have one, like to keep a marriage together, to have someone love you, etc.

So God, I'm trusting you with our reproductive life. I trust that you'll be with us through whatever is in store for our family.