Island of misfit toys

We had an all church picnic today. In true RVC style, it threatened to rain (in the pre-service days, I think it rained or threatened to at every gathering!) Maybe it was because no one else from our life group was there (nap time + softball + vacation + moving), but I distinctly felt like we/I don't fit there. It's definitely a group of young, cool, beautiful people, and I'm none of the above.

So guess instead of Patrick and I having re-entry, I'm having church re-entry. It probably doesn't help that I haven't actually been to the service in several weeks (out of town last week, I was teaching this week and the two weeks before, and I couldn't get everyone out of the house on time for 1st service). Everyone is friendly, but I just don't fit. Not that I'd fit better anywhere else. I love doing kids' church and all the kids, but I'm not a toothpick, early twenties, "in group" person. We (at least I) should not be leading a life group--we have the slowest growing (currently a negative growth rate, with people moving) group.

Thanks for the reminder, God, that we're not supposed to fit anywhere here on earth.

Not what I ordered

Jonell came down to hang out on Wednesday. We had a good time touring around the lab, visiting preschool, and having our own bakeoff for a friend who recently had a baby. It was great hanging out with her and hearing more of her story!

We went to Little Mexico for lunch. I ordered the lunch chimichanga, no cheese, no sour cream. What I got was the lunch chimichanga, no cheese, no guacamole. Not what I ordered. I kind of scraped off the sour cream as best I could (dairy and me don't go well together), and asked Jose Manuel for a little bit of guacamole on the side (and he obliged). I ate it and it was fine, but it was not what I ordered.

I'm having the same feeling about my life right now. It's not what I ordered. I'm eating it and it's ok, but it's not what I wanted.

My brother and sister in law announced that they're pregnant and due in July today. While I am ecstatic for them, tonight I just feel weighed down and burdened. It doesn't help that my emotions are a total roller coaster--one day I'm perfectly fine with not having any more kids, and the next day it's devestating.

So if you're looking for some fun reading, this isn't one of those posts, check out the next one with pictures from my mom's camera. What I am trying to do is sort out why my heart strings are getting tugged yet again, and what it is God is trying to show me in all of this.

Lots of possibilities run through my brain. Tonight's Scrubs episode centered around JD getting what he thought he couldn't have, but once he had it, he didn't want it any more. Is that it? I want a baby because I can't have one?

Another possibility is that I don't want to end my childbearing era on a bad note--kind of like ending a baseball career on a strikeout or worse. I didn't have the most wonderful pregnancy with Harmony, let alone the miscarriages. I definitely have the "if I had to do it over again, I'd do X, Y and Z differently" list, but that's not a good reason for bringing another life into the world...and I don't think that's what's driving this.

Or maybe it's just that I want the experience for me. Wow, to be a part of the miracle of life...what else can I say but it's amazing?

But maybe I do want to meet this child that is in my heart. To nurture another child of God through the "boob lean" when they're hungry and so dependent. To see all the firsts, to see a new and awesome creature, made in God's image, fulfill His purpose in life. To learn more about God and myself in the process.

But I don't want to be Henry, throwing an all out tantrum at the table because he got water instead of the Sprite he wanted (and was overridden by a parent). Maybe the vision of something shrinking in the dryer until it was just right was our family size, and two is it for us.

Come to think of it, a little sour cream hasn't killed me. Guess all I can do is wait and see what God brings to the table.

Thanks that you're not a restaurant, Lord, and that I'm not in charge of my ordering. Help me accept, cherish and find joy in what you do give us.

The Yes-Buts

I have a bad case of the yes-buts. I also have a sinus infection and haven't slept well in a while, so that contributes to the yes-buts.

So what are the yes-buts? It's an awful disease. It's when someone tells you something, and your response is yes, but... which means you're digging in your heels instead of doing what you're supposed to do.

Example: see previous post.

YES, I need prayer, BUT...blah, blah blah see previous post
YES, I should have our life group pray for me, BUT...we're supposed to be pouring out not taking since we're the leaders.
YES, seeing a leader need prayer can lead to better prayer times and real relationships overall, BUT we've already done that for me with the miscarriage anniversary AND the second miscarriage AND... See prayer hog reference in last post...
YES, I should go to the Women's Ministry Center, BUT miscarriage and midlife crisis aren't on their "list" of mentor areas.

I know I've had the yes-buts before, my mom commonly diagnosed them in my teen years. But I'm not sure what the cure is, other than a good night's sleep and just saying yes, despite the buts...

(Sorry, no Top Ten this week....I tried coming up with Top Ten good things about "Fall" and could only think of bad things, so if someone wants to generate one for me, I'd appreciate it...)

Prayer chicken

The correct answer when Tony asked who needs prayer at the Life Group Leaders meeting tonight would have been ME. But that's not what I said. Why not?

I don't wanna be a prayer hog. Is it just me or do I seem to be asking for the same prayer issues every. single. time? It's not like I don't ever ask for prayer, it's just that there are bigger and more pressing issues than me.

I don't want to explain it. No one in that room would have understood. They're all entering or in the prime of summer, it's not fair to make them think about fall.

Fear of looking like an idiot. I was pretty sure I couldn't even say what was wrong without falling apart, and what kind of idiot is upset about getting old??

Pride. Who wants to be the one to say I need help?

Feeling like a failure. Our group is the only one that isn't growing, "multiplying" or showing incredible stories of God working in their small group. Probably not the first or the last time I feel totally unequipped and ungifted in leading a small group. I am not beautiful, popular, charismatic or otherwise attractive, so there's no way our group is going to grow by my power...and as is the theme in my life right now, God's not choosing to show up in this way. Not to mention that life group leading doesn't really overlap with my spiritual gifts inventory, either. Maybe it's a good thing I spend almost every meeting with the kids instead of the adults!

Lord help me say yes when I need it.

Changing seasons

It's definitely fall. On Friday when I was walking to work, the gingko tree was dropping all of its leaves--the ground was covered, and it almost looked like it was snowing.

The seasons are also changing in my life--I think that's a good share of the "blackness" I talked about in my last post.

So what are the seasons of life? Well, if your life is a year, there are four seasons in a year, and the average lifespan of a person is 80 years (give or take), each season is 20 years. So springtime is the time of everything being new--so that would be ages 0-20. Summer is when everything is "hot" and fruits are rapidly developing--that would be ages 20-40, the prime times of career and family. Fall is 40-60, and winter is 60-you meet new life in heaven with Jesus.

But just like the weather doesn't always pay attention to the calendar, neither does our life-- there are days during spring that feel more like summer, and an "Indian Summer" isn't unexpected. While I'm not 40 yet, the winds of fall are beginning to appear--ever since the miscarriage in March, I've started showing signs of perimenopause--the details are more than you want to know :)

The problem is, my whole life has been aimed at achieving "summer" stuff. I don't know what my goals are for winter and fall, and I don't want to be done with "summer" activities. I think I have good company--who isn't sad when school starts (even though it's still August) and the pool closes, when watermelon becomes scarce, and the stores start advertising Christmas (or at least it's how it feels!)

I wouldn't say I'm having a mid-life crisis--I just want to hang onto summer for as long as I can--I'm not ready for fall!

Here's an example of why:
Yesterday we were shopping at Target, and had just succeeded in our mission to find a dark skinned baby doll for our shoebox that's bound for an orphanage in Nigeria. Here's the conversation as we walked by the baby gear section:
Harmony: Mooooom, when are we gonna get a baby? A real baby?
Me (ouch! Ouch! Ouch!): When God sends us one.
Harmony: Well, I want God to grow one in your tummy.
Me: Do you think it would be a brother or a sister?
Henry and Harmony at the same time: A brother!

Conversations like that make me think that God's not done with our family yet....so it can't be fall yet! I know God has given fall and winter babies before (Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth), but that's a hard row to hoe physically....ugh. It's hard to be patient when you hear the clock ticking!