Sunday, October 5, 2008

Answered prayer?

The late last winter(and for the year before that) my prayer was that God either take the desire away for another child or I become pregnant again and carry to term.

That first Thursday in March, I had some powerful prayer from my life group, and that night I totally felt a weight lifted--the desire for another child was totally gone. I was completely satisfied with the two we have, and I was ready for the move into school aged child stuff. I was completely sure I had heard correctly, and had "make an appt with the ob/gyn to discuss birth control options" on my list.

That Sunday, I found out I was pregnant.

So be careful what you pray for--"or" prayers are dangerous.

I was sure I'd miscarry--I had the last two pregnancies, why would this one be any differently? But nope, I'm 35 weeks.

And God has not removed the feeling of being "done" at two. I've struggled with this for the last eight months--how can someone who had such a hard time with a couple of miscarriages be "done"?? I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I'm having a very hard time how things are going to work out with adding another to our family.

So did I ignore a no from God and this child is a result of my fleshly nature? (Doubt it, every child is a gift from God.) There is a very real part of me that is convinced that this child will either be stillborn, have major birth defects (for which my mom will blame me), and/or not live beyond the hospital's the only way to reconcile the "done" with "pregnant". Which would explain why we don't have names, childcare arrangements or a million other details (other than cheap diapers from CVS/Walgreens deals) figured out...and am planning crazy things for my classes for the next month, such as field trips and special speakers.

Change my heart, God. It seems like everything (work, church, marriage, house, parenting) is going very not well right now...I need you to show up.


Nancy said...

Having just read this post, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine being where you are. I've had 2 normal pregnancies, each brought us a beautiful baby girl. This (your) pregnancy has a purpose. I pray that your remaining weeks are smooth, delivery is easy and that you are blessed with a beautiful and healthy child. In God's eyes, there is a reason and a specific purpose.

Jen said...

Praying for you...God is already there with you every step of each day.
Though I know what you mean about needing a more tangible expression of His presence.