A year ago I found out I was pregnant. What a year! I've learned a lot and grown a lot, and I'm glad to say the "downs" aren't as far down as they were. I never imagined that a year later, I wouldn't have a new child in my life--even after the miscarriage I was pretty confident that I'd be pregnant again by my due date, or at least by the end of the year. I've grown into the idea that we might only have two kids in our family, that Emily's vision of God putting something that was too big for me into his giant dryer and shrinking it to be just right (at a time when I was wearing a pair of Patrick's jeans because mine were too small, the weekend before the first US where we found out things weren't going well), was probably about our family size. We've been blessed with two awesome kids, and I don't want to miss anything because I'm living in the land of "what could have beens".
But it stung last night when an unnamed friend told me she was pregnant and my period arrived within 10 minutes of each other. I can handle them separately, together, not so well. I'm glad I found out directly from the person, but I pretty much shut down the rest of the evening. So if you're that person, sorry if our conversation seemed surface-y. It somehow triggered this whole cascade of only-ifs...only if I hadn't fixed Harmony's broken butterfly wing on her ring holder and spilled superglue on my fingers, maybe I wouldn't have miscarried in October (even though I can find no link between superglue and miscarriage). Only if...you name it. There's a point where you just have to rebuke that thinking, and say, no, God knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. I'm just feeling sympathy for Sarah, Hannah and Elizabeth...though I have the advantage of having two great living kids. (That's the other "get over yourself" reminder...I don't live in a society where my worth is decided by my reproductive prowess, and I HAVE two kids! Many people don't have any!)
So I don't know what those plans God has for us are, but I do know that He has them, and that they're supposed to give me hope, so I will put my hope in the Lord...and love and enjoy the great kids I already have.
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3 comments:
Thanks for letting us walk with you on this journey and being honest and authentic in the process. I have really seen God work in and through you despite the pain. I am encouraged that you have always kept seeking God no matter the circumstances...it is definitely a lesson to us younger people. I'm sorry that you have had to experience this kind of pain, but am grateful that God has used you to teach me more about trusting in Him no matter what.
You do have two great kids! And a great husband. But, an even GREATER GOD who has awesome plans for you.
I think it's so great that you have allowed your hope to remain intact through it all...
Thanks for the honesty in this post. I'm sorry for your loss. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't. But you have the right attitude. I've figured out over the years that just because it's the right attitude to have, it doesn't mean it's automatically easy to have it.
Blessings to you.
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