Saturday, November 24, 2007

Not what I ordered

Jonell came down to hang out on Wednesday. We had a good time touring around the lab, visiting preschool, and having our own bakeoff for a friend who recently had a baby. It was great hanging out with her and hearing more of her story!

We went to Little Mexico for lunch. I ordered the lunch chimichanga, no cheese, no sour cream. What I got was the lunch chimichanga, no cheese, no guacamole. Not what I ordered. I kind of scraped off the sour cream as best I could (dairy and me don't go well together), and asked Jose Manuel for a little bit of guacamole on the side (and he obliged). I ate it and it was fine, but it was not what I ordered.

I'm having the same feeling about my life right now. It's not what I ordered. I'm eating it and it's ok, but it's not what I wanted.

My brother and sister in law announced that they're pregnant and due in July today. While I am ecstatic for them, tonight I just feel weighed down and burdened. It doesn't help that my emotions are a total roller coaster--one day I'm perfectly fine with not having any more kids, and the next day it's devestating.

So if you're looking for some fun reading, this isn't one of those posts, check out the next one with pictures from my mom's camera. What I am trying to do is sort out why my heart strings are getting tugged yet again, and what it is God is trying to show me in all of this.

Lots of possibilities run through my brain. Tonight's Scrubs episode centered around JD getting what he thought he couldn't have, but once he had it, he didn't want it any more. Is that it? I want a baby because I can't have one?

Another possibility is that I don't want to end my childbearing era on a bad note--kind of like ending a baseball career on a strikeout or worse. I didn't have the most wonderful pregnancy with Harmony, let alone the miscarriages. I definitely have the "if I had to do it over again, I'd do X, Y and Z differently" list, but that's not a good reason for bringing another life into the world...and I don't think that's what's driving this.

Or maybe it's just that I want the experience for me. Wow, to be a part of the miracle of life...what else can I say but it's amazing?

But maybe I do want to meet this child that is in my heart. To nurture another child of God through the "boob lean" when they're hungry and so dependent. To see all the firsts, to see a new and awesome creature, made in God's image, fulfill His purpose in life. To learn more about God and myself in the process.

But I don't want to be Henry, throwing an all out tantrum at the table because he got water instead of the Sprite he wanted (and was overridden by a parent). Maybe the vision of something shrinking in the dryer until it was just right was our family size, and two is it for us.

Come to think of it, a little sour cream hasn't killed me. Guess all I can do is wait and see what God brings to the table.

Thanks that you're not a restaurant, Lord, and that I'm not in charge of my ordering. Help me accept, cherish and find joy in what you do give us.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Give yourself, and God, time. He is refining you right now...its evident through your posts. How many times do we find in the Word characters who got something they didn't order but what they got was infinitely better than their original thoughts? God's plan for you is spectacular and I don't see any evidence of you trying to get in the way of that. We don't know the plans He has for us, but He does and He will show you when the time is right. I know it's hard to wait but whatever He has in store requires what you are learning right now.
Praying for you...