Monday, April 2, 2007

The sound track of my life

Lately I've been into "The Jesus Record" by Rich Mullins and the Ragamuffin Band. In 1997, Rich Mullins started the album, and had made a tape of a bunch of songs in a small country church. He was killed in a car accident shortly after that--I still remember getting the call from Patrick when I was in Korea, and trying to figure out what he was crying so heavily about that he couldn't speak. It was that Rich Mullins had passed away. Rich's friends took the tape and turned it into an album. It's cool because it comes with "The Jesus Demos" which is the original recordings he made. Anyway, tracks 9, 10, and 1 have been my soundtrack lately. I don't want to put all the words on here, but Track 9 is the one that's been my theme song....

You who live in heaven, hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love and who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after You had flown away?
Well I memorized every word You said--Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance, hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was, still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows, and I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out at the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow, all I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead, and we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here, where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

I've had it playing at work, in my car, and at home. It just captures my struggle to understand the miscarriage without blaming God--I just cry out like Job does. And God has been faithful to comfort me. I know the babies, if they were old enough to have souls, are already in heaven, and it's better for them to be there than to be here (Track 10--That Where I am, You may also be). But I mourn all the missed opportunities--for me and for my family. But we'll meet in heaven someday, and it'll be great getting to know them then.

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