Answered prayer?

The late last winter(and for the year before that) my prayer was that God either take the desire away for another child or I become pregnant again and carry to term.

That first Thursday in March, I had some powerful prayer from my life group, and that night I totally felt a weight lifted--the desire for another child was totally gone. I was completely satisfied with the two we have, and I was ready for the move into school aged child stuff. I was completely sure I had heard correctly, and had "make an appt with the ob/gyn to discuss birth control options" on my list.

That Sunday, I found out I was pregnant.

So be careful what you pray for--"or" prayers are dangerous.

I was sure I'd miscarry--I had the last two pregnancies, why would this one be any differently? But nope, I'm 35 weeks.

And God has not removed the feeling of being "done" at two. I've struggled with this for the last eight months--how can someone who had such a hard time with a couple of miscarriages be "done"?? I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I'm having a very hard time how things are going to work out with adding another to our family.

So did I ignore a no from God and this child is a result of my fleshly nature? (Doubt it, every child is a gift from God.) There is a very real part of me that is convinced that this child will either be stillborn, have major birth defects (for which my mom will blame me), and/or not live beyond the hospital stay...it's the only way to reconcile the "done" with "pregnant". Which would explain why we don't have names, childcare arrangements or a million other details (other than cheap diapers from CVS/Walgreens deals) figured out...and am planning crazy things for my classes for the next month, such as field trips and special speakers.

Change my heart, God. It seems like everything (work, church, marriage, house, parenting) is going very not well right now...I need you to show up.

Melodic Monday--Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

It's hard for me not to cry every time we sing this song. During the first, missed miscarriage we were studying the passage where Jesus says if you had faith as big as a mustard seed, you could move a mountain. We specifically prayed for a mountain to be moved, and it didn't budge.

That's still hard for me to process. Is my faith (and the faith of all the people in our life group at the time) really smaller than a mustard seed? Will God really show up when I need Him? Will He really conquer the grave for me?

It does just trigger a faith crisis for me. I know God has used the situation to grow me in lots of directions and He was very present in the process, blah, blah, blah. It still hurts. I'm having a hard time attaching to this pregnancy, and it's partially because I don't believe that it's really going to result in a live baby. Why should it? The last two haven't. This pregnancy has had a lot less prayer than either of those.

Guess that's why there is the last verse...all I can do is surrender.

Whatever, God. Whatever. Take me as you find me, all my fears and failures. Fill my life again.

Getting it right

So there have been distinct times in my life that God puts me through similar experiences so that I *finally* learn the lesson He's got for me.

I think I'm going through that again. A grad school friend, who will be 40 in May, called this afternoon to tell me she's pregnant.

This continues the one pregnancy announcement a week pattern that's been happening since Jan 6...God definitely has a sense of humor, or He's definitely trying to show me something and I'm being slow in getting it.

Lord, show me what it is you're trying to teach me, so I can get out of this Groundhog's Day (the movie) pattern...

Answer shopping

"Mom, can I have a cookie?"
"You may have an apple, some grapes, a banana, or some carrots--they're appetizers. Cookies are dessert, and dessert is after dinner."
"Dad, can I have a cookie?"

That would be answer shopping...luckily they usually do it when we're in earshot of each other, so we know to support the other's decision.

But sometimes I wonder if I "answer shop" with God, too. I'd much rather believe Harmony's request for a baby and my friends who say what you're asking for is fine, rather than my mom's litany of reasons why it's good that I don't have more kids.

Help me not to "answer shop" with you, God. Help me hear and obey your first answer...but it would be nice if you spoke in a clear voice!

The pants in the dryer, part 2

I went to the "Learning to Listen" class today, and stayed for the whole thing...that in itself was victory. I was pretty much a mess the whole time. Sarah from our life group noticed, sought me out and prayed for me at one of the breaks--which was really good.

By the time I got home, I was able to sort out what exactly it *was* about the "pants in the dryer" vision that was upsetting. The answer I came up with was this: without the vision, the miscarriage can be just another part of living in a fallen world. With it, it becomes something God intentionally did.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. It's not like we didn't seek after God before getting pregnant, or that we concieved out of wedlock. We have ample resources (especially when you compare on a global scale) to support a larger family. Why our family "fits" better when smaller isn't obvious by any measure.

It is the case that I have learned and grown leaps and bounds though the miscarriage experience. I think what I'm struggling with is understanding if this means we're to be "done" with our family. If that's the case, we should be taking permanent measures against conceiving...but I just can't. Not yet. There are too many words going both directions--that's what makes this hard.

God, I don't understand. Please give me wisdom and understanding.

In training--ask and you shall receive

I'm training for the Indianapolis Mini-Marathon in May--I ran it last year, and it was a great experience, God taught me lots through it.

Last year I "trained" in six weeks total--needless to say, I couldn't walk up stairs for a couple of weeks afterwards. This year I'm planning ahead, and started a 17 week training program after Christmas. I'm not following it to the T, but I am trying to stay somewhat on track (hah! that pun wasn't intentional!) with the distance runs.

It's been cold enough that I've been doing most of my running on a treadmill. While it's good training for speed and pace, it isn't the good prayer time I need. The combination of people around me, Obama and Clinton on CNN, and watching the clock makes for not quality prayer running.

So today I headed outside. The goal: six miles and some good God time. I used gmaps pedometer to come up with a route--it was actually 5.75 miles, but good enough for me today. I need to figure out the "what to wear in 30 degree weather" thing, but did ok--I just need a wind jacket with some ventilation and I'll be good. The coat I had on was too toasty, while my face was cold. Maybe I'll try a hoodie next time.

It takes about 3 miles to get the grumbles out, then the good God time begins. I'm sure I'll have more to say about the spiritual training analogy another day. In about the final mile, God was talking to me about "ask and it shall be given unto you" (Luke 11:9) and "You do not have, because you do not ask God" (James 4:2b). God was pointing out to me the reason I haven't been given some things is because, frankly, I'm afraid to ask for them! I'm afraid of another miscarriage, or having a baby with birth defects (we're old, ya know). I'm afraid of what another child would do to our relationships with our older children and our marriage. Where would we put another child? Would there be enough money? Would we be able to do a good job parenting? Isn't this just me being jealous and self-centered? I don't really buy the "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" saying--I think He DOES give us more than we can handle on our own, so that we're FORCED to turn to Him for help. So I prayed that we'd turn to Him *without* needing a crisis.

God showed me this is really a trust issue--do I really trust Him to provide for my and my family's needs? Do I trust Him to not give us a child if it's outside of His will? The hard thing is reading the signs--do the miscarriages mean "not now" or "not never"? What kind of no is this?

This week I've also had two friends speak the same message to me--one said there's nothing wrong with wanting another child, you're not asking for something outside of God's will. And when I was telling another friend about Harmony's desire for a baby, her comment was that there are much worse reasons to have one, like to keep a marriage together, to have someone love you, etc.

So God, I'm trusting you with our reproductive life. I trust that you'll be with us through whatever is in store for our family.

Harmony's prayer tonight

My ulcerative colitis is acting up a bit--not as awful as it could be, but enough to be annoying. So at prayer time tonight, Patrick asked everyone to pray for my tummy. Here is Harmony's prayer:

Make mommy's tummy have a baby in it, and for her to feel good while it's in there.

THIS is why it's hard to hear about newly pregnant people (discovered another one at church today...) While I'm (mostly)fine with our family size, Harmony most definitely isn't. And she's making it known on a more regular basis these days...

Give Harmony her heart's desire, Lord--either change the desires of her heart, or make reality match her desire, in your timing!

How much longer?

...until I can say "congratulations" the first time someone tells me they're pregnant? Yes, my response to someone at church who was wretching because of morning sickness was a sinking sadness....I really am fine with our family size staying at four, but man, another out of left field pregnancy announcement left me with at best shallow response and a hollow feeling.

Enough already! At least I've gotten past having that feeling every day, and being ok with our family being the way it is. But being in the middle of a baby boom is just fodder for not ideal responses from me (at church, there are two people in their third trimester, at least one in the second, and this early one I found out about this morning...). One of these days I'll have a heart-felt, joyful response...but not today :)

One year later...

A year ago I found out I was pregnant. What a year! I've learned a lot and grown a lot, and I'm glad to say the "downs" aren't as far down as they were. I never imagined that a year later, I wouldn't have a new child in my life--even after the miscarriage I was pretty confident that I'd be pregnant again by my due date, or at least by the end of the year. I've grown into the idea that we might only have two kids in our family, that Emily's vision of God putting something that was too big for me into his giant dryer and shrinking it to be just right (at a time when I was wearing a pair of Patrick's jeans because mine were too small, the weekend before the first US where we found out things weren't going well), was probably about our family size. We've been blessed with two awesome kids, and I don't want to miss anything because I'm living in the land of "what could have beens".

But it stung last night when an unnamed friend told me she was pregnant and my period arrived within 10 minutes of each other. I can handle them separately, together, not so well. I'm glad I found out directly from the person, but I pretty much shut down the rest of the evening. So if you're that person, sorry if our conversation seemed surface-y. It somehow triggered this whole cascade of only-ifs...only if I hadn't fixed Harmony's broken butterfly wing on her ring holder and spilled superglue on my fingers, maybe I wouldn't have miscarried in October (even though I can find no link between superglue and miscarriage). Only if...you name it. There's a point where you just have to rebuke that thinking, and say, no, God knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. I'm just feeling sympathy for Sarah, Hannah and Elizabeth...though I have the advantage of having two great living kids. (That's the other "get over yourself" reminder...I don't live in a society where my worth is decided by my reproductive prowess, and I HAVE two kids! Many people don't have any!)

So I don't know what those plans God has for us are, but I do know that He has them, and that they're supposed to give me hope, so I will put my hope in the Lord...and love and enjoy the great kids I already have.

Not what I ordered

Jonell came down to hang out on Wednesday. We had a good time touring around the lab, visiting preschool, and having our own bakeoff for a friend who recently had a baby. It was great hanging out with her and hearing more of her story!

We went to Little Mexico for lunch. I ordered the lunch chimichanga, no cheese, no sour cream. What I got was the lunch chimichanga, no cheese, no guacamole. Not what I ordered. I kind of scraped off the sour cream as best I could (dairy and me don't go well together), and asked Jose Manuel for a little bit of guacamole on the side (and he obliged). I ate it and it was fine, but it was not what I ordered.

I'm having the same feeling about my life right now. It's not what I ordered. I'm eating it and it's ok, but it's not what I wanted.

My brother and sister in law announced that they're pregnant and due in July today. While I am ecstatic for them, tonight I just feel weighed down and burdened. It doesn't help that my emotions are a total roller coaster--one day I'm perfectly fine with not having any more kids, and the next day it's devestating.

So if you're looking for some fun reading, this isn't one of those posts, check out the next one with pictures from my mom's camera. What I am trying to do is sort out why my heart strings are getting tugged yet again, and what it is God is trying to show me in all of this.

Lots of possibilities run through my brain. Tonight's Scrubs episode centered around JD getting what he thought he couldn't have, but once he had it, he didn't want it any more. Is that it? I want a baby because I can't have one?

Another possibility is that I don't want to end my childbearing era on a bad note--kind of like ending a baseball career on a strikeout or worse. I didn't have the most wonderful pregnancy with Harmony, let alone the miscarriages. I definitely have the "if I had to do it over again, I'd do X, Y and Z differently" list, but that's not a good reason for bringing another life into the world...and I don't think that's what's driving this.

Or maybe it's just that I want the experience for me. Wow, to be a part of the miracle of life...what else can I say but it's amazing?

But maybe I do want to meet this child that is in my heart. To nurture another child of God through the "boob lean" when they're hungry and so dependent. To see all the firsts, to see a new and awesome creature, made in God's image, fulfill His purpose in life. To learn more about God and myself in the process.

But I don't want to be Henry, throwing an all out tantrum at the table because he got water instead of the Sprite he wanted (and was overridden by a parent). Maybe the vision of something shrinking in the dryer until it was just right was our family size, and two is it for us.

Come to think of it, a little sour cream hasn't killed me. Guess all I can do is wait and see what God brings to the table.

Thanks that you're not a restaurant, Lord, and that I'm not in charge of my ordering. Help me accept, cherish and find joy in what you do give us.

MIA: My Bible

That's right, my Bible is missing...and has been for almost three weeks. It's not like I haven't been in the Word--my daily reading comes in the e-mail, and most of the time I end up using Bible Gateway or the Blue Letter Bible when I'm studying.

But today it's feeling symbolic. God seems pretty far away right now. This blog hit me right where I am...yes, old married couples can have quiet time, but that doesn't mean both parties like it. I hate silent cars, and lately Patrick has been quiet in the car and turning the radio off...and I'm getting the same thing from God. And prayer tonight just made me FEEL how far away we are right now. I know He's not really far, but I don't deal with No followed by silence. At least the first miscarriage was followed by lots of good God time...not this one.

On my run this afternoon I went over a bridge that went over some really dry rocks. You could see where the water had been, and how picturesque it would be with the water, but now all there was was dry, cracked ground and some dying algae on the rocks. Yeah, that would be me.

It's a good thing the Psalm in my daily reading addresses exactly this--Psalm 107 talks about how God's people were wandering in the desert, chained in bondage, in a storm, and other calamities, and the two choruses that repeat are
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress and
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

So thanks, God for all the good things you've done for people who are in distress. I need you to show up in my life too.

Coping mechanisms

Everyone has them. I've decided mine are weird, though. Except for the food one (eating when I'm not hungry to fill a different hunger--which is definitely sin), they're healthy habits.

The first miscarriage happened: I started running much more regularly. Regular exercise + set aside prayer time = doubly good habit.

Anticipating what would have been my due date: nesting. I made lots of meals for friends who were sick, preggo or had a newborn, and cleaned out most of the closets. Huh, blessed some friends, and my house looks a little (not a lot, but a little) better.

Actual would have been due date: couponing. If you watch the ads (Walgreens especially) and pair them with coupons and rebates, you can almost make money shopping (though I haven't hit that level yet--but some of these ladies have.) For example, I'm now stocked up on shampoo, with the store paying me a dollar (after rebate), and I'll be picking up toothpaste for the kids for $0.14--boo yah!

So far I haven't gotten past the food thing on this miscarriage, and the wound definitely isn't as deep, but it's cool to look back and see how God has brought good out of bad. What's also interesting is my ultra analytical part can see how these are compensations...running is proving I have mastery over my body, and couponing is proving my "worth" to my family (I know I'm worth more than the few dollars I save each week, though!)

Thankful Thursday

My Bible in a Year reading today included Psalms 105:

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.
Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.
Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced, O descendants of Abraham his servant, O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones.

What struck me about the Psalm isn't what's above--it's what comes after. What things are they to remember? Wandering around in the wilderness, Jacob being in shackles, the famine and plagues in Egypt...I'm sure that NONE of those things seemed good at the time, and I seem to remember the Israelites complaining through all of that.

When you're in the thick of it, it's hard to remember to be thankful. I'm in the middle of miscarriage #2, so I'm definitely there. But still I'm to sing praises to him! So here's my Thankful List for today:

--Casting Crowns "I will Praise you in the Storm"--I love how they use Psalm 121. It's one of my favorites; my college choir sang a couple different versions of it, and it's one I turn to frequently. If I figured out the "how to post a You Tube Video", it should be on my blog somewhere :)

--Supportive and understanding friends

--My two great kids and awesome husband

--That somehow this black is woven into a bigger picture and it's not all I have

--a flexible and rewarding job

--That I have a God and Savior that is bigger than all of this--I'm not sure how I'd cope as a non-Christian

--That there are miracles and healings--God does work in this fallen world

Light a couple of birth day candles today

In memory of the birth day we're not celebrating today.

God, I still don't understand this. Soon (maybe already?) I'll be too old to have more children, and already the gap to my living children is large. But I'll trust you and obey...even if it's not what *I* want right now.

Thankful Thursday, miscarriage edition

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Always, Continually, In All Things...that's a tall order. But I've decided that I need to give thanks for the good things God has brought out of my miscarriage.

Thanks, Lord, for making yourself very real to me during the miscarriage process.
Thanks for teaching me to treasure my living children more fully.
Thanks for the opportunity to be vulnerable with other Christians, leading to deeper relationships and a fuller knowledge of who they are.
Thanks for giving me a glimpse of what it means to sacrifice your child, and for Your Child to take on death for us.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to run the Indianapolis MiniMarathon...and for all the prayer time as I ran and prayed.
Thank you that you work everything together for the good of those who love you--I love you, so keep working it together :)

Empty arms

I'm having an "empty arms" day today. If I hadn't miscarried, I'd be due soon, and since it was twins, they probably would have come around now. It really hit me at church today, what life would have been like...the family room converted to a nursery, holding a sweet newborn, trying to figure out how to nurse two, how to pay attention to Henry and Harmony, wondering how they'd react, how we'd manage everything... My head knows that what happened was for the best, there are things I wouldn't have been able to do or lessons I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't miscarried, but my heart still has to mourn these things.

It doesn't help that I think I'm hitting a midlife crisis a little early--the whole experience has me feeling like my biological usefulness is over, and given my age, that might be true.

God, all I can say is that I trust you.

When life doesn't work out like you planned part 2

I've been really enjoying and learning from The Preacher's Wife's "I Am So You Don't Have To Be" on-line Bible study--this is the fourth lesson, and definitely one I need right now. It's been following the life of Moses. In college, the literature module of my religion class focused on a comparison between Exodus and Matthew, and that comparison came back in today's lesson. Both Moses and Jesus gave up riches and rank for a greater good. (The difference is Moses did it out of fear, and Jesus did it out of obedience and humility--see Phillipians 2:8).

Today's passage was Exodus 2:11-15, the passage were Moses sees his people being abused, and he kills an Egyptian. Moses knew he was put in the place he was in to get his people out...but things definitely didn't go the way he intended. The Israelites rejected him, and so did the Pharoah. So he ran.

The line from the Bible study that resonated with me today was "God, I don't understand why not today. But I will trust You for someday." I'm working on that.

1. What is your latest NLIP? (Not Like I Planned?)
A miscarriage in March.
2. How did you react to your NLIP? Are you still upset about it? Happy about it? Baffled by it? Explain.
Initially my reaction was as good as it could be. At first we didn't know if my dates were just way off or if the fetuses were non-viable, though my dates suggested the latter. So we prayed for a miracle. When it didn't happen, I had a month of carrying around death before I finally had a D&C. That was very hard, and I had some degree of closure after that, and I basically dealt with it by being way too busy. I think I'm more mourning the loss of the future than the loss of the babies--I know where they are and that they're in good hands. It's more the loss of the dream, the loss of a family with three kids. I don't know if we'll have more or not, and that's what's so hard.

3. Have you ever attempted to step into an area of ministry and found your desire rejected? Did this cause you to question God and yourself? Perhaps distrust what you perceived to be your calling?

BC (Before Children), I volunteered to help with VBS at our church. When the pastor saw me, his comment was "What are YOU doing HERE?" like I didn't belong. That really stung, and I stopped volunteering there. That was the turning point when I knew we didn't belong there.

4. Do you harbor any bitterness towards any individual or situation which you believe waylaid your best laid plans?

Nope, I more feel sorry for him and his congregation, because he hasn't figured out that the reason that so many people come, get fed, and move on is that there aren't opportunities for people to plug in and use their gifts. I know people fail and it's hard to get past disappointment and open up your leadership to new people, but church is not a spectator sport, you gotta let everybody "play" and use their gifts.

5. Have you had a life experience or trial that left you with a shaken faith because it ended in an NLIP? Please share if you feel free.

I don't know that my faith is shaken, but I'm having a hard time imagining no more babies in our house and my kids only have one sibling.

5. Based on Moses' response of faith to his own rejection, how will you re-evaluate your own experiences or look at future ones differently if a NLIP presents itself?
Well, if you read ahead in Exodus 4, Moses didn't put a whole lot of faith in what God promised him. He had excuses--"who am I?" "but what if they don't believe me?" "Can't you send someone else?" I hope I can learn from his example and not do those things, just trust that if God says to do it, then He will provide the means and the way. Unfortunately we haven't gotten a clear sign whether the miscarriage means two is enough (especially after a prophesy about something in my life being too big and God putting it in a dryer to shrink it to be just right...right when I was starting to outgrow my clothes in the pregnancy) or just not now.

God, I don't understand why not today. But I will trust You for someday.

The Waitress

Today Patrick and I went to Indy for the day to celebrate our anniversary. We ended up doing exactly what he said he didn't want to do--dinner and a movie. We had dreamed of a trip to Tampa Bay to see a Rush concert or at least a trip to Chicago to do the architectural tour, but neither one happened--things have been too crazy busy at work for both of us. At least we did it on our own terms--we had lunch at Machu Pichhu, a Peruvian restaurant. Then we saw The Waitress at the Art movie theater, I fell apart, we tried shopping, ended up browsing at Barnes and Noble for a couple of hours, had some better-than-average-but not as good as Naked Tchopstick's sushi, browsed at Borders (notice a theme?), then had dessert at The Cheesecake Factory. I'm sure we consumed enough calories for a week!

So I guess I better explain the "I fell apart" in the middle. I'll try not to give away the movie, and if you haven't recently had a miscarriage, it was a very sweet movie. Anyway, the opening scene is the waitress (Jenna) in the bathroom, wishing very hard that the EPT be negative... but it's not. The story goes south from there, with a selfish and abusive husband, several affairs, and some very luscious looking pies.

I've done a very good job the last several months of trying to cope with the miscarriage, but mostly I've gotten busy enough to not have to think about it. The movie was a) the first time in at least a month that I've had enough time to even think about it; b) triggered the "why do people who don't want babies get pregnant and stay that way and those who don't struggle with it" question, and c) the start of period #1 after the miscarriage. A triple whammy of emotions. The bookstore break helped me get out of that groove, but it was all back at church this morning. Sarah preached about grace, and the passage was Ephesians 2:1-10. It brought a whole new aspect to the pain of the miscarriage--yes, we all deserve death, but couldn't they at least be born before they died? I need some better ways to process the and "get over it" or at least be able to not cry through entire movies or church services, but there don't seem to be many resources out there--other than being prayed for after church :)

So it definitely was not the best anniversary celebration. Maybe we'll try again in Sept and really celebrate.

The sound track of my life

Lately I've been into "The Jesus Record" by Rich Mullins and the Ragamuffin Band. In 1997, Rich Mullins started the album, and had made a tape of a bunch of songs in a small country church. He was killed in a car accident shortly after that--I still remember getting the call from Patrick when I was in Korea, and trying to figure out what he was crying so heavily about that he couldn't speak. It was that Rich Mullins had passed away. Rich's friends took the tape and turned it into an album. It's cool because it comes with "The Jesus Demos" which is the original recordings he made. Anyway, tracks 9, 10, and 1 have been my soundtrack lately. I don't want to put all the words on here, but Track 9 is the one that's been my theme song....

You who live in heaven, hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love and who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after You had flown away?
Well I memorized every word You said--Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance, hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was, still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows, and I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out at the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow, all I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead, and we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here, where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

I've had it playing at work, in my car, and at home. It just captures my struggle to understand the miscarriage without blaming God--I just cry out like Job does. And God has been faithful to comfort me. I know the babies, if they were old enough to have souls, are already in heaven, and it's better for them to be there than to be here (Track 10--That Where I am, You may also be). But I mourn all the missed opportunities--for me and for my family. But we'll meet in heaven someday, and it'll be great getting to know them then.

A broken clay pot

That’s me today. I think I cried during the whole church service—and of course, I was out of tissues. But God has not abandoned or forsaken me.

Last night I was searching for a Bible verse to put in a baby shower gift—the verse for all new parents: “I tell you a mystery: we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.” I knew it was in Corinthians or Thessalonians somewhere, but couldn’t quite remember exactly where. So I started flipping through those chapters, and this verse caught my eye:

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:20

That’s been me for the last month. On February 23, we went in for a routine ultrasound to determine a due date for my pregnancy. We were surprised to discover that not only were there two, but that they measured much smaller than we expected—6 weeks instead of 9 or 10 weeks, and no heart beat (which isn’t surprising in fetuses that young—it usually shows up between 6 and 7 weeks). Those dates meant that I had a positive home pregnancy test before I was pregnant. Well, with God all things are possible, so we prayed for a miracle, and scheduled another ultrasound for 9 days later. At the second US, there was no change…the fetuses hadn’t grown, the placenta was mis-shapen, and there was evidence of bleeding between the placenta and uterus. A classic missed miscarriage.

The doctor gave us two options—expectant management, where we waited for my body to expel everything on its own, or a D&C to remove it surgically. We opted for expectant management. But what that meant was that I knew I was carrying around two dead babies—I felt like a graveyard. My womb is not supposed to be for death! After 2.5 weeks, still nothing had happened, so we scheduled a D&C.

But now I know what it feels like to “carry around death”. While I know that passage refers to death to self, I have a physical, tangible object lesson of what carrying around death feels like.

I’m not sure how this reveals Christ, but I am trying to use this experience as an opportunity to testify of his goodness and glory, especially to my biochemistry students. Although it was very hard, I told my students what was going on. I began class by showing a chromosome undergoing recombination, an essential part of forming sperm and eggs. I talked about the miracle of birth, and that it’s amazing that this biochemistry ever works…and that sometimes it doesn’t. I know my voice was shaking, but somehow I made it through, and managed to compose myself to give a lecture on the topic for the day. I’m definitely just a clay pot, formed by the master Potter, but I hope, somehow, in my interaction with those students, I’ve encouraged them to contemplate the miracle of life and the Creator that made them.

God, I feel really broken right now—shine your light through all my cracks, so that you may be revealed through me.